I have a lot of emotions.
A lot that I put into words and sentences inside my head.
But they just stayed there and faded away as I continued doing my routine.
I thought it might be better if I put them out into words somewhere else, to remind me of how much emotions I feel and how precious it is to be able to feel things.
I found this on my laptop’s Note, an interesting piece of thought that I wrote on the bus home, at 10.49 PM, 2 years ago. It gives a clear glimpse of how I deal with my overwhelming emotions by writing it down, and how I live life as a Wai.
31.08.18
I consider myself an observant. I often spend time being quiet, just staring and watching my surroundings, from the main situation to things that most people don’t notice, like that single fly who broke its wings and is currently struggling to turn its body over; like the dust piling in the corner of my bus’ automatic door.
During my bus ride home, I usually listen to some music from my Spotify (give it a follow if you want to) and just stare out the window, watching the city at night, admiring all its mesmerizing skyscrapers and the dim street lights.
It’s beautiful.
It made me realize that I have so many little things to be grateful for.
When I graduated, I had a dream of working in the middle of this busy city because I want to be able to experience Jakarta at night. Here I am.
I dreamed of working in a tall building so I can watch the streets from above. I didn’t get the experience at my previous office, but here I am now on the 18th floor (not that high, but still, I’m blessed.)
I dreamed of working in a well-known company. It didn’t come true during my first year of work, but here I am now.
I dreamed of going on a leisure trip with my friends, now I have gone to 2 different cities with them.
There are still so many other dreams that came true. More and more are coming true as time goes by. I cannot be more thankful.
Apparently life is not as boring if we appreciate the smallest things.
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I know this sounds like bullsh*t, but appreciating the littlest things and being thankful over them makes me look at things positively (not always, but very often).
I find it very hard for me to hate someone for a long period of time. I forgive very easily, and it might not always be a good thing for my own self, as people could take advantage of it.
When I was 15, I got hit by a stranger with a motorcycle. I got thrown a few meters away, my head hit the sidewalk. I got a brain concussion and vertigo. I had to be hospitalized for 52 days without leaving the bed for once. I had to learn how to walk again for a few days until I could function back as a normal person.
I do not hate the clumsy driver.
During my days throughout elementary school to high school, I got called names because of how I looked. Those you do not even want to hear.
I do not hate them, nor do I want revenge.
My first boyfriend cut our relationship off after 6 years together. He just somehow decided it would be better if we go separate ways as he’s getting overwhelmed with life that (he said) had just begun.
Was I mad? Yes, I was devastated. But then, I forgave him. Not because I am still in love with him, but because I respect his decision. I continued living life the other way, and I’m fine.
P.S., added today, 29 May 2020: I’m in another relationship now, and I am very happy with my current boyfriend.
I’m trying not to waste my time to hate people and plan revenge, I want to waste my time doing things that make my loved ones feel appreciated and loved. I want to waste my time making efforts for my closest people, as I gain happiness from seeing their happy faces.
Some people told me “You’re just like this because you haven’t experienced how cruel life is.”
In fact, I know how cruel life is. I know how people aren’t always nice to each other. I know there are devils in disguise. I’ve been a victim too. But that does not justify bad behaviors. That doesn’t make disrespecting and hating people okay because it’s not.
One thing I know: Hate doesn’t grow within you if you don’t let it. So be kind, be the person you want your own self to be proud of. Be emotional, be respectful, be old school, be whatever you really are inside. Don’t let the world completely shape you into something you’re not.
